


Thantophobia

by Ethansoo (Kihyuncrush), Kihyuncrush



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Broken english, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I Love You, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, I'm so sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Night Terrors, Nightmares, OT7, Please Don't Kill Me, Triggers, Yoo Kihyun-centric, i'm french so i'm sorry for my english, idk what to tag, monsta x as a whole, south korea better stop sleeping on them, support monsta x
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-01-05 09:08:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12187080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kihyuncrush/pseuds/Ethansoo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kihyuncrush/pseuds/Kihyuncrush
Summary: Kihyun used to live as "Kihyun from Monsta X".He also used to sleep at night.Until he started having nightmares that could occur in reality.____________________WARNING : triggering content such as self harm, depression, eating disorder, suicide, and so on. Please, don't read if you're sensitive.





	1. Chapter 1

“Strange, I thought, how you can be living your dreams and your nightmares at the very same time.”  
― Ransom Riggs, Hollow City

 

It was late, about two in the morning.  
The night was dark and cold, the wind as sharp as a blade on the skin.

Monsta X members had finally finished their training (which had been delayed because of the younger ones who couldn't remain calm), they were on their way back to their dorm.  
Hyunwoo, Hoseok and Hyungwon were sleeping. Jooheon and Changkyun were building some kind of monuments on the olders legs with biscuits. Minhyuk and Kihyun were talking about anything that could be in their mind.  


Once arrived, kihyun woke up the three sleepy head.  
Hyungwon frowned as he discovered the transformation of his legs into a construction site, with a dozen biscuits of unknown origin placed on them.  
Changkyun and Jooheon had rushed into the dorm, wanting to escape from the wrath of the tallest one.  
The others laughed at the sleeping beauty's lack of reaction while Kihyun had a fake distressed look drawn on his face as he noticed once again how silly these children can be.

The first thing that could be noticed when entering the dormitory was the members fighting in the corridors as to who was going to be the first taking a shower.  
The battle was quickly won by Hyunwoo, who had easily managed to keep everyone out of the way.  
While the rest of them were deciding on an order to go to the bathroom (without Hyungwon, since he was gone to bed as soon as his feet touched the dorm's ground), Kihyun walked around the rooms to pick up the dirty laundry that Hoseok had kindly collected.  
He did not fail to notice the state of the place: it was a carnage. One might think that a tornado had passed through there (If its name is "the Hyunghyuk duet").  
He stopped for a moment to think about the amount of work implied to give to the dorm a new life, and then decided that he would take care of that the next day.  
That day was sunday, but also a day off, which means that the other members will go outside.

When the shower was finally released, Jooheon called him before returning to his room.  
Kihyun started undressing and running the water. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror.  
He had dark circles, and his cheeks were hollow. He had lost weight for their last comeback, maybe a little too much, as other members told him already. It had not been easy for anyone.

After mentally taking note of hiding his marks of fatigue, he decided to go under water.  
The water was warm and pleasant. It eased the pain in his shoulders and his back.  
He remained for about ten minutes listening to the sound of the water crashing on the floor of the shower, then went out.  
He dressed quickly with a shirt and shorts, dried his hair and took care of his skin as usual.

He saw Hoseok when going out of the bathroom. While gently patting his shoulder, the oldest told him to rest well, and ask for help if he needed anything.  
Kihyun was perplexed. Everyone needed to rest, including Hoseok.  
He thanked him anyway and went to the room he shared with Minhyuk, Jooheon and Changkyun.  
The white-haired boy was looking at messages on the fancafe. Jooheon was listening to music and Changkyun was sleeping.  
Kihyun climbed up to his bunk and lay down. The only remaining light in the room was from Minhyuk's phone.  
He silently fell asleep while thinking of the next day, ignorant of what might happen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. please spare my soul smh i love wonho so much he's such a cute little bunny  
> but i also live for angsty shit omg  
> I hope u enjoy the story!! (still sorry for any english mistake i could make)

“There are many who don't wish to sleep for fear of nightmares. Sadly, there are many who don't wish to wake for the same fear.”  
― Richelle E. Goodrich, Dandelions: The Disappearance of Annabelle Fancher

 

The sky was tinged with a vivid blue, the trees with an aggressive green.  
The world had a radiant smile, escorted by the song of malicious birds.  
They were headed to an unknown destination, leaded by Changkyun.

A natural situation in a paradoxical world.  
However, something was wrong.

The feeling of a too perfect moment was born in Kihyun's head.  
His vision became clouded, but he managed to straighten up and listen to what Hoseok was telling him since the beginning of their journey, but couldn't register any word.

 

_\- Kihyun, whatever happens, I know you'll take care of the oth- of us, am I right?_

 

Kihyun did not understand the meaning of the question, but nodded, giving to himself a confident look.

Hoseok's anxious expression faded away, giving way to a warm smile. He suddenly had an idea.

 

_\- Who is tempted for an ice cream before returning? it's on me!_

No need to say it twice, the younger ones (and Minhyuk) were already rushing their way to that shop they would go sometime on a day off.  
The others laughed and followed them.

 

Kihyun felt happy.  
He was able to spend some time with his friends, his family.  
He almost forgot his uncertainties.

 

_Suddenly, a railway line._

 

Kihyun spreads his arms to prevent members from rushing to the rails.

 

_The barriers close._

 

He saw Hyunwoo, Minhyuk and Hyungwon laugh at jooheon's and changkyun's impatience.  
But someone was missing.

 

_He can already hear the steam trumpet._

 

Hoseok was standing in the middle of the railway line. He uttered a murmur almost mute.

 

_\- No matter what happens, you will take care of us, **am I right** ?_

 

 _Boom._ Any of his words were now carried away with him by the train.

 

 

Kihyun woke with a start. It was horrible, to the point where to catch his breath hurt.

 

He got up hastily and left in the other room.  
Discreetly, he opened the door, and felt reassured by seeing the sleeping face of the person he was looking for.  
He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding, then closed the door. It was too early to wake up others.

 

That nightmare had made him get up early, and he would finally have the opportunity to have some time for himself, early in the morning.  
He began to prepare breakfast and make coffee, a way to stay awake for each of them.  
The members will all be out, while he will stay at the dormitory to clean.

 

He went to wake the members gently.  
Soon, a troop of children were fighting to go to the bathroom first, as usual.  
The remaining one (Hyunwoo as always) was finishing his breakfast, and Hyungwon was sleeping beside his plate.

 

However, someone was missing. Of course it had to be Hoseok.  
Kihyun frowned when he saw that the plate was still full, and he walked to his room.  
He found the missing one asleep (but was he really asleep?). Had he not heard that breakfast was ready?

 

_\- Hyung. Breakfast. You should eat.. Don't you want to eat?_

 

Hoseok sighted. He was probably very tired.

 

_\- ...Look, if you're hungry, I'll heat it up for you, alright?_

_\- ..._

 

 _No response._ Okay, that is a bit unusual. Kihyun simply shrugged. The older one was probably in a bad mood. For whatever reason he hadn't been introduced to yet.

He went back to the kitchen and packed the untouched food.  
He also woke up Hyungwon who had remained asleep on the table all this time.

 

The other members left one by one, and Kihyun was left alone (with Hoseok who didn't deign to leave his room).  
He started cleaning up what he could, that place was such a mess.  
He took a wet sponge and wiped the kitchen table, rubbed the drawers handles.  
The mercy was dead for any kind of dust that could be floating in the room.

He complained a lot about doing all the chores by himself, but he actually liked it.  
He was praised a lot for doing that, the members even started calling him "mom".  
Also, asking for help from those kids would probably involve the dorm's destruction.

 

It was around 2:30 P.M when Kihyun finished cleaning everything.  
Hoseok had not yet appeared once, and it was a bit worrying.  
He quietly opened the older's room's door.

 

He found him in his bed, crying as he was trying to catch his breath.

 

 _What the fuck. What happened. how long had he been crying in pain?_ There were too much questions in Kihyun's mind.

 

_\- Talk to me. What happened? Are you sick?_

 

The pillow was soaked with the amount of tears it had been able to absorb.  
Hoseok's eyes were read and swollen from crying. He painfully uttered a few words.

 

_\- It hurts..._

_\- Where does it hurt?_

_\- Everywhere... My head, legs... My whole body_

 

Okay. something was definitely wrong.  
Kihyun tried to ease the pain while gently rubbing Hoseok's back and patting his head.  
He stood up to find some pain-killers he could give to him.

Seeing Hoseok crying is always heartbreaking.  
But this time, was different.  
This time, it was the kind of pain Kihyun couldn't even imagine how hard it is to deal with.

He went back to the older's room and gave him the medication.  
He placed the food he heated up while going to the kitchen earlier on a table.

 

_\- I know it is hard, but please. Try to eat, at least a little. Also, call me if you need anything, I'll be there._

 

Kihyun exited the room.  
Hoseok definitely wasn't his usual self. He was probably hurt because of over working himself, but there was something more.  
Did something he didn't know actually happened?

 

A loud noise rang out from the corridor.  
_Fuck._ Kihyun ran and found Hoseok on the floor.

 

_\- Are you okay?? Are you hurt somewhere?_

 

His whole body was shaking. He was so pale.

 

_\- I'm going to call Hyunwoo-hyung.. We need to take you to the hospital._

 

He helped Hoseok getting on his feets and lying down on the sofa.

He hastened to take his phone and dial Hyunwoo's number.

He looked at Hoseok to check that he was fine while waiting for the leader to pick up.

 

_\- Kihyun, what's wrong?_

 

_\- Hyung, Hoseok is not okay. He's shaking like crazy and says his whole body hurts. He's crying, he can't even walk by himself. We need to take him to the hospital. **Now.**_

 

_\- I see.. I'll be there in ten minutes. Help him get ready, I'll come to pick you guys up._

 

When the call ended, Kihyun explained the situation to Hoseok.  
He took him to the bathroom and helped him dress.

He had never seen the boy in such a bad shape, and felt guilty for not being able to heal his pain.

 

Hyunwoo arrived quickly. He took Hoseok in his arms and went down to put him in the back seat of his car.  
Kihyun followed them downstairs, not forgetting to tell the other members about what whas happening once they'd be on their way to the hospital.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoseok went to the hospital with Hyunwoo and Kihyun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THIS  
> This update is horrible and i'm so late ohmygod  
> Congrats for still being here tho??? And thank u  
> Also WE FINALLY HAVE OUR FIRST WIN CAN YOU BELIEVE IT  
> I'M SO PROUD OF MY BOYS AND ALL THE MONBEBE  
> Thank you for supporting Monsta X <3  
> (I'll try to update faster pls don't hate me)

_“My sleep wasn't peaceful, though. I have the sense of emerging from a world of dark, haunted places where I traveled alone.”_  
_― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay_

 

Hoseok came out of the examination room crying.  
The doctor explained that he had no serious physical injury that could cause this kind of pain. He then suggested a mental injury, or too much pressure.  
Nobody could find any explanation for the misery Hoseok was feeling.  
Hoseok sobbed quietly in Kihyun's arms as Hyunwoo spoke with the doctor about a possible hospital stay for the patient. Kihyun gently patted the older man's shoulder.  
"I'm going to ask the others to come, okay?"  
Hoseok nodded.Kihyun took his phone out of his pocket and looked for the group's kakaotalk conversation.

 

**Angry Mom**

Children

 Come to the hospital

I'm with Hyunwoo, and Hoseok does not feel well

**Kukkungi**

What happened?

 

 **Minhyuk**  

Is he sick? Is he okay?

**Angry Mom**

I have no idea… Join us on the second floor, hallway “L” as soon as you can

**Kukkungi**

I’m with Jooheon-hyung, we’re going now.

 

**Minhyuk**

So that’s why nobody is at the dorm except for Hyungwon..I'm going to wake him up and we'll come too.

 

**Hyungwon**

I’m awake.

 

**Jooheon**

How is that possible

 

**Hyungwon**

He’s been yelling the manager’s name for the past 5 minutes. I’m going with them.

 

**Jooheon**

You should be happy he’s not yelling after you. Btw, we’re almost there.

 

 

Kihyun slid to the bottom of his chair. Hoseok had become so silent that he could have been asleep. Hyunwoo came back with the doctor.

“ Hoseok-ssi, We will keep you overnight for observation to do examinations and discover the source of the pain. ” He calmly said.

“ I'm sure the manager won’t oppose it. Do I need to bring anything back from the dorm? “ Kihyun asked.  
Hoseok nodded negatively, then got up with difficulty, and with Hyunwoo's help, went to the room that had been prepared for him.

10 minutes later, the rapper duo rushed into the hallway, and if they had not been told to be quiet, they probably would have already jumped on Kihyun.

“Where is Hoseok-hyung??? Is he okay???” Changkyun was shaking due to stress.  
“ I guess Hyunwoo is taking care of him… “ Jooheon said.  
“He'll stay here tonight, so we can find out what's wrong ..” Kihyun explained, trying to calm the two maknae.

 

Minhyuk and Hyungwon arrived with the manager soon after. Once the explanations were made, they decided to visit Hoseok in his room. They thanked the doctor who left the room, and joined Hyunwoo and Hoseok.

Changkyun was the first to approach Hoseok. Seeing the older one this weak was not a pleasant sight for the maknae.  
He smiled at him and took his hand, massaging it with his thumbs.

“ So.. what's the matter? “ Jooheon asked cautiously.  
“ You were fine yesterday, it's weird.. ” Stated Minhyuk, a glint of worry in his eyes.

Hoseok did not answer. He seemed embarrassed and lowered his head. Minhyuk turned to Kihyun, a questioning look on his face.

“ He felt pains all over his body, he could not walk just now. He has no apparent injury, but he will have to stay to find out what's wrong. “ Kihyun said, playing with the older’s hair.

Silence fell again.  
It was hard to describe what Hoseok was feeling with so little clue. Especially since the principal concerned seemed .. absent.  
His gaze had finally settled on the window, looking at a landscape remaining unchanged since he had been admitted to the hospital.  
His mind was carried away by the beeping machines and the voices of his friends, being a simple background noise.  
He seemed.. empty.  
It was as if nothing mattered at the moment. Even the members were just part of the decor in a cold hospital room.  
Hoseok himself probably did not understand the situation.  
Everything went so fast, too fast.

Seeing that he was not very receptive to what was said to him, the members decided to return to the dorm to let him rest.  
The manager gave a few instructions to Kihyun and Hyunwoo, leaving them the choice of who would stay with Hoseok.

“ Kihyun, I'll stay with him tonight " Hyunwoo said .  
“Are you sure? You look awful, you should rest. I can stay with him..”  
“ I need you to take care of the others at the dorm, who knows who might be the next to come to this hospital… Also, you're the best of us two to do it. Don’t worry “

Kihyun sighed. They ended up saying goodbye, and all left for the dormitory, leaving Hyunwoo and Hoseok behind.

 

“ It's still weird though.”  
“ What is weird, Hyungwon?”

They had all finished eating. Having a second day of rest, everyone enjoyed playing games.  
On the side of Kihyun, he took care of washing the dishes, with Hyungwon who had joined him, offering him his help. (which is something that never happens unless the taller wanted to talk)

“ Hoseok is not the type to complain about anything, especially from what you told us “  
“ The doctor's diagnosis is such that he has no physical injury ... " began Kihyun.  
“ Even a doctor can be wrong.” Hyungwon frowned.  
“ That's why they keep him under observation tonight, Hyungwon.”

The younger one sighed. They continued to clean the dishes, it never seemed to stop.

“Hyung… you didn’t notice anything strange today? Or since yesterday? Because it's really weird that he's complaining so suddenly.”

Kihyun put down the plate he was holding and looked at Hyungwon.

“ I don’t know. What are you trying to say?”  
“ Look, I'm not saying that you should have guessed, but surely there were already signs ..” his voice trailed off.

Silence fell.  
So, Hyungwon was thinking that Kihyun wasn’t paying attention enough?  
Hoseok is all grown-up, he doesn’t need someone to watch over him all the time.

“ You'll take care of us, am I right?”

His dream.. No, his nightmare. About Hoseok.  
Kihyun felt like getting hit as the bad memories surfaced. He had a misplaced expression, as if he no longer knew where he was.  
Seeing this, Hyungwon apologized and reassured him saying "no one has seen anything", "we are grateful"  
Nonetheless, Kihyun didn’t stop thinking.  
Maybe he could have done something?  
Guilt started to build up.  
He hurried to finish the torture that the dishes were and went to bed, asking the youngers to lower the volume of the TV.

 

Once again, that night, he awoke with a start.  
It was always the same nightmare.  
He felt his lungs tighten in his chest as he tried to regain a normal breathing pattern.

“ It's just a bad dream. Recurrent, but just a bad dream. “

He rubbed his face with his hand and noticed that his phone was vibrating.  
He did not expect Hyunwoo to call him so early to tell him bad news.

Kihyun hastened to get dressed and went out.  
6:34 A.M. He luckily found a taxi and made his way to the hospital.

He entered the emergency service and reached Hoseok’s room.  
Hyunwoo was waiting outside the room. The young man looked really tired and puzzled, so he let out a sigh of relief as he saw Kihyun.

“ Where is he?? ” Kihyun hurriedly asked.  
“ Nurses are with him. He started shouting and crying suddenly, constantly saying that he is in pain. ”

Again? What the fuck is that. Kihyun thought.

Kihyun hurried into the room, not paying attention to the nurses. He wrapped his arms around Hoseok, and did not let him go.

 

One night turned into a week.  
Kihyun stayed with Hoseok, struggling every day against fatigue.  
His dark circles surrounded his eyes in such a way that one might think he was literally hit by fatigue.  
Hoseok was becoming more and more calm. He was beginning to hide his pain, and everyone knew it.  
The anxieties that had become a moment of tranquility hurt them.  
Kihyun continued to do the same nightmare about this mysterious Hoseok’s death. He tried to save him many times, but he didn’t have the right timing.  
He was so disturbed by his own dream that he happened to be as disinterested as Hoseok in a conversation.

“ Kihyun, why stay here? ”  
“ Hm? ”

The question aroused Kihyun, who was surprised to see his hyung awake.

“I stay here because I have to watch over you. I would be too worried in the dorm.” Kihyun smiled.

Hoseok frowned and looked away.

“It doesn’t make sense if you can’t do anything about it.” He murmured harshly.

“Hoseo-”

“ CHICKEN DELIVERY”

The loud arrival of Minhyuk followed by the other members didn’t go unnoticed.  
Kihyun and hoseok turned around, embarrassed.  
The members quickly realized that they were not coming at the right time.

“...Bad timing? “ Jooheon tried.  
“Looks like so.” Hyungwon sighed.  
"Everything is fine," Kihyun said. "Now that you're here, I'll finally be able to go to the bathroom."

He let out a bitter laugh and left the room, not paying attention to the members’ questioning look.

 

His foot led him to the nearest bathroom where he locked himself in before collapsing, clutching the edge of the sink. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to sleep. He was so stressed and tired, and knowing that he was of no use to Hoseok's condition made him sick.  
He had to take care of everyone, but how was he supposed to do that when he was not even able to look after himself, or Hoseok?  
He got up painfully to get some water on the face. Seeing his reflection in the mirror, he could see how pale he was.  
How long had he been in this hospital? And for how much longer?

"I have one of those headaches .."

 

He returned 30 minutes later. The hours of visits were exceeded, the other members had surely already left. He entered the room and sighed when he saw Hoseok asleep.  
Kihyun collapsed into the chair next to the bed and stared at the ceiling. He was so, so tired.

“ You know ” He began, “I really wish I could make myself useful. I don’t understand what's happening to you, and it's torturing my mind. Even though I do my best, it still isn’t enough…” He could feel the tears threatening to fall at any moment.

There was no response. Of course, he’s asleep. He thought.

“You must be frustrated that we can’t help you, I'm really sorry …” He was slowly starting to close his eyes.

“Our friendship has only worsened … I do my best to help you hold on, but i’m doing worst than best anyway..”

...

“I can not even save you in a dream, how am I supposed to do it in the real world..”

He fell asleep. The fatigue was too hard to bear.

 

Something had changed. Everything went very fast. The scenes of the dream were repeated again and again. The more he watched, the more time seemed to slow down.

Hoseok. The train. The railway.

He was concentrating as time was almost frozen.

And he saw.  
This moment. This moment right now.

He saw Hoseok on the railway, and himself, checking if the others were safe.

A few seconds. He only had a few seconds.

He did not think and ran.

As fast as he could.

He jumped over the barriers

He grapped Hoseok’s wrist.

He pulled him away of the railway.

Two seconds.

He saw the surprised look of Hoseok.

Then he saw the leaves of the trees fall peacefully into a graceful fall.

And then, he smiled.

The train passed.

That's the last thing Kihyun saw.

 

“Kihyun!! Wake up, please!”

He woke up suddenly, shaking in all directions by a Hoseok on the verge of tears.

“Are you crazy to scare me like that?! It's been 20 minutes that I was shaking you and you were not waking up! Are you trying to kill me before the hour?”

Kihyun was totally disoriented, in addition to feeling severe pain in his chest, but he was not going to mention it.  
He saw that Hoseok was panicking, so he took his hands and made a pattern with his thumbs.

“Hey… It’s alright… I’m here now.. Everything is alright.” He smiled fondly to the older.

“K-Kihyun…” he chocked a sob. “I-I’m so sorry for everything I said..”

Kihyun hugged Hoseok and tried to comfort him. He felt the tears in his eyes threatening to fall.

“Y-You’re not a failure… You’ve always been here for everyone a-and.. I don’t know why I acted like a child…. Fuck, Kihyun, I’m so sorry…”

They stayed as they were, waiting for Hoseok to calm down. They ended up sleeping together in the small bed of the hospital room, not caring much about anything but to know that it was going to get better.

 

Hoseok was able to leave the hospital the next day.  
They thanked the doctors and nurses, then left with the manager who had come to get them.

They had a party that night.  
They were finally together and healthy. (Except for Kihyun who was still terribly suffering from lack of sleep and stress that was not totally gone.)

Kihyun had been in the kitchen for a while to have a little silence, having a headache.  
Hyungwon, passing by, patted his shoulder and gave him a painkiller.

“You should go to sleep now” He said while himself going to his room.

Kihyun took the medication, told the kids not to sleep too late, and made his way to his bedroom, collapsing on his bed, only thinking about finally having a good sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY I TOOK MORE THAN 2 MONTHS TO WRITE THIS I HAVE NO EXCUSE  
> Oh my god  
> This was pure suffering  
> And it's still not the worse  
> I hate myself hahahahahahahahahhaa wow   
> I hope u will like my messy writing style as usual (and spare me for my mistakes in english thx ily)  
> I'll try to upload faster from now on!! (I won't promise because there's 95% of chances I won't respect it tho)

_“I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I'm not. No one ever really gets used to nightmares.”_

_― Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves_

 

 

He walked slowly. A smell of dust and steel surrounded him.

He slowly turned his head and saw the members talking.

Kihyun was at the front of the group, while the others were in pack behind him, with Hyungwon dragging his feet about ten meters away from the group.

 

Kihyun thought. He felt far too conscious to be dreaming.

He looked around him: the sky was gray and cloudy, an uninhabited city surrounded them, with unfinished buildings under construction.

Construction machinery moved by itself, moving the different materials used to reinforce the walls. He would have been almost bothered by the thud of construction sites if he was not so concerned about the city's desert feel.

He could hear his own heartbeat, his own steps.

 

That's when he heard the sound of metal bending that he raised his head : A fastener had suddenly yielded and dropped several iron bars.

He tried to give himself courage and repress his panic by rational means.

He urged the others to go forward and started running, taking Changkyun's hand, whose face showed fear.

 

He turned for a moment and saw Hyungwon in the distance, his whole being clenched and motionless.

The pieces of metal scattered on the floor in a throbbing noise, sank into the ground in one blow.

Kihyun couldn't look away as he saw the shards of steel piercing his friend directly through the abdomen.

 

He could smell the blood that was starting to flow to his shoes. He could testify to Hyungwon's frightful grimace as he collapsed under the violence he had just suffered.

Everything seemed so wrong.

The sound of cries was nothing but a white noise that he himself could not bring himself to hear again.

Hyungwon.

Hyungwon had been pierced by pieces of metal and he could not speak nor move.

He wanted to get his friend out of there, even though he knew there was no chance. He had to. He could not leave his body behind, he couldn't.

 

_\- Kihyun! Wake up!_

 

Hyunwoo shook Kihyun to wake him up, a panicked look etched on his face. He hastened the younger one to get out of bed and took him to the room he shared with Hoseok and Hyungwon.

Kihyun looked around him, and understood the situation as Hoseok held Hyungwon in his arms, who seemed to panic.

The tallest was shaking like a leaf, tears visible on his cheeks.

He didn't know why Hyungwon was in this state, but he hastened to take his hands.

 

_\- Hyungwon, look at me. You have to breathe, okay?_

 

Kihyun inhaled, then exhaled, to show Hyungwon how to do it, without letting go of his hands.

One; Two; Three.

They continued until the taller one could regain a normal breathing pattern.

Changkyun had joined them and was standing behind Hyungwon, trying to comfort him by rubbing his back and wiping tears from his cheeks.

After about ten minutes, they managed to calm the youngest vocalist who then was clutched to Kihyun as if his life depended on it.

 

" _It's really a bad time for everyone.."_ Hoseok whispered, gently caressing Hyungwon's head.

Everyone sighed.  
That night, Kihyun was going to stay with his protégé, and keep an eye on him.

 

In the early morning, Kihyun arrived in the kitchen and began to prepare breakfast.

The group had a photo shoot and they all had to be ready at 8 o'clock.

While he was preparing the coffee, he saw Hyungwon who looked tired, probably because it was "sleeping Hyungwon" , but also because the youngest had not gone back to sleep since the incident last night.

Kihyun had noticed while waking up that Hyungwon was also awake, which was not common. He was not going to let his panic attack fall into oblivion, he had to address the subject.

Kihyun greeted him silently and handed him a cup of coffee. Hyungwon thanked him and sipped his coffee. He grimaced when he realized that the coffee was way too hot, and began to gently blow on it to cool it down.

He avoided Kihyun's gaze, probably already anticipating the question ahead. However, Kihyun was persistent.

 

 _\- So... Wanna tell me about last night?_   he tried.

 _\- Panic attack, probably._ the younger replied naturally.

_\- But, why? You never had those before... Is something bothering you?_

 

Hyungwon looked at him for a few seconds.

_\- Why do you think I never had those?_

_\- We all live together, I think we should've noticed if it has happened before._

 

The tallest put his cup in the sink. He definitely wasn't going to talk about the matter this soon. Kihyun felt uneasy.

 

_\- Forget about it, Kihyun. It's not like we can help it anyway._

 

Kihyun observed the tired form of Hyungwon. Why doesn't he want help?  
He was quickly pulled away from his questions when the two youngest members arrived, followed by Minhyuk who was a bit too dynamic in the morning.

 

It was both reassuring and disturbing to see that the first to wait for the manager's car was Hyungwon. It could have looked like he had dropped his 100 years of hibernation if they didn't know what happened the night before. The members entered the car one after the other once it arrived, and all left for their photo shoot.

 

We could have called it a good day if we did not pay attention to stylists' remarks about Hyungwon's dark circles and skin paler than usual.

He did not fail to fall asleep while waiting for the others to finish, trying to make up for a few hours of sleep.

 

 _\- Where is Hyungwon? The photographer wants to review some pics and wants him to come._ Minhyuk asked to Jooheon

_- He left earlier in the waiting room to rest for a b-_

 

A sound of broken glass interrupted the youngest who jumped out of surprise.  
The whole studio did not fail to hear the shattering sound. Suddenly everyone was alarmed while deducing that the noise was coming from the waiting room.  
Hyunwoo was the first to cross the room to see what was going on. Kihyun hastened to follow him.

They were confronted with the scene they dreaded. Hyungwon was on the floor, shaking, his head in his hands. The leader quickly took the youngest in his arms, while Kihyun tried to comfort him.

Staff brought him water and the manager spoke quickly with the photographer to put the photo shoot to another day. He then spoke to Hyunwoo and decided to bring everyone back to the dorm.

The members helped Hyungwon walk to the van.

 _\- We'll need to talk about this tonight guys._ said the manager, checking in his rearview mirror that everyone is alright.

Hyungwon nodded.

* * *

 

**Annoying bro**

Satan

What's the problem with Hyungwonnie?

 

**Evil Hamster**

Minhyuk, we're basically next to each other, why u texting?

And don't call me satan

 

**Annoying bro**

idk maybe because our dear Hyungwon is also right next to us and I don't want to bother him

why u replying then

 

**Evil Hamster**

Fair enough.

 

**Annoying bro**

So? He didn't say anything?

 

**Evil Hamster**

Indeed..

I don't think he had even mentionned it to anyone actually.

 

**Annoying bro**

What about Changkyunnie?

They're actually pretty close to each other, you could ask

 

**Evil Hamster**

You could ask too yknow

Anyway, I'm gonna do it now

* * *

 

**Small mom**

Changkyun

 

**Youngest child**

Hyung

 

**Small mom**

Okay what is this username about- anyway

I know we're right next to each other but I don't want to bother everyone. Did Hyungwon say something about those panic attacks he has?

 

**Youngest child**

indeed, we talked about it for a bit.

 

**Small mom**

Wow, Minhyuk was right

Amazing

What did he say?

 

**Youngest child**

He told me he doesn't really know what's going on actually.. He doesn't understand why it's happening and how is he supposed to escape from this. He also said he's pretty tired but he can't sleep, and it's frustrating. My heart aches a little.

 

**Small mom**

What

How come he doesn't know

 

**Youngest child**

idk, let's talk about this when we get home, it's hard to type because my arm is crushed under his head

 

**Small mom**

Right

Thank you Changkyun

* * *

 

  
  


The return to the dorm was quiet, but Hyungwon could not sleep. He was probably scared to have another panic attack.

They were all dragging their feet inside, and sat down on the sofa in the living room once they had their shoes off.

Everyone was looking at Hyungwon who had found a special interest in staring at the floor. Kihyun prepared some tea for Hyungwon and the manager, then joined them all.

The manager cleared his throat and started.

 

_\- So, since when does this kind of panic attacks occur?_

_\- Wednesday,_   Hyungwon simply answered.

_- What is the cause?_

_\- I don't know._

_\- ... There's no explanation then?_

_\- Looks like so._

 

Hyungwon couldn't look up. He sighted. Everyone did.

_\- You need to see a doctor if it doesn't stop, alright?_

 

He quickly nodded. He didn't really have a choice anyway.

 

 

 _"Call me if you ever need anything, it looks like it only happens when he sleeps, but it actually prevents him to sleep."_ Said the manager to Hyunwoo. The leader thanked him and bowed at him while saying goodbye.

Once the manager was gone, Jooheon and Minhyuk prepared video games to help Hyungwon relax. Hyunwoo, Hoseok and Kihyun had gathered in the kitchen, discussing with Changkyun about the matter.

 

_\- To be honest, I did not even know that it was possible to have panic attacks while sleeping. He seems like he really doesn't know what's going on though.._

_\- So how are we supposed to help him if he doesn't know?_

_\- You didn't know what happened to you when you felt bad._ Stated Hyunwoo

_\- Okay, fair enough. But seriously, what are we going to do?_

_\- Changkyun, could you bring Minhyuk here? We need to talk about this with him._ Kihyun asked

 

Changkyun quickly nodded and got out of the kitchen to take Minhyuk's spot at playing games while the older one was standing up and coming to the kitchen.

_\- So?_

_\- He doesn't know. Hyungwon, I mean. He doesn't know why he has those panic attacks._ Hyunwoo replied _._

 

Minhyuk sighted while looking at the youngers playing in front of the tv.

 _\- What do we do now? Should we wait? The manager said he should see a doctor..._ Minhyuk said, hesitantly.

 _\- We don't have a choice... We'll watch over him and see what we can do later._ Kihyun told them.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

_“Which is the true nightmare, the horrific dream that you have in your sleep or the dissatisfied reality that awaits you when you awake?”_   
_― Justin Alcala_

 

 

It was getting late, so everyone decided to go to sleep. They made sure to give Hyungwon a discreet look, checking that the tallest one was fine. It was hardly a surprise when they were all woken up at 3 am, sitting in front of Hyungwon who was suffering a little more each time, due to panic and lack of sleep. Minhyuk hugged Hyungwon affectionately, affected by the younger man's pain while the others tried to soothe him at every turn. Several days passed, and it is still without explanation that Hyungwon continued to have crises. He obviously brushed it off when the members tried to question him, and it was starting to be really worrisome. At some point, they had to surround him to prevent the boy from escaping to his great misfortune.

« Hyungwon, I know that you don’t like this idea, but you NEED to see a doctor. », Hyunwoo said with a small voice, in contrast of his usual assured tone. Even he wasn’t sure about this whole situation.

Hyungwon just nodded, allowing himself to lean in Minhyuk’s touch, who was now patting the younger’s head.

 

That's how they all went to the hospital at 8 am. There was an odor of antiseptic in the air, which made Kihyun uneasy. They were waiting for Hyungwon to be done with his exams. All of them were tense, especially Kihyun. He kept his mind busy by looking at the coffee machine, static, at the end of the corridor. He could hear the muffled voices in the background, as well as the endless "bips" of random machines in the building and rings from the reception's phone. He evidently benefited of the time that was given to pull himself together. He glanced at his members and saw that they were in the same state at him.

There was a small window through which they could spot Hyungwon’s figure. He was talking with the doctor, but they couldn’t hear what it was about. The doctor had written a prescription which he gave to Hyungwon, before nodding and gesturing him the exit. As the tired boy stepped out of the office, he was already circled by the members. Changkyun checked the list and Hyunwoo soon joined him in that task. There were definitely lots of medications written on that small piece of paper. There were lots and they weren't sure if this was going to cure a supposed anxiety which they were not even sure about the presence. Hyungwon started to grimace as the doctor came out of the office.

« I don’t notice anything anomalous in his condition ... Despite, it could be that anxiety is related to fatigue and leanness. I suggest he eats a bit more and rests. I know that as an idol, it is difficult to take full advantage of sleep, which is why I will give him at least a week to rest. », he explained. He spoke a little with the manager in order to fill a form, while the members reassured Hyungwon.

 

They all returned around noon. Kihyun decided to start preparing a meal for everyone since they were all going to stay in the dorm for the day. Clearly, everyone imagined that it was more than fatigue, and they also knew that they could not fatten Hyungwon, but for today, Kihyun was preparing ramyeon with rice and grilled pork. _He has the right to eat well_ , Kihyun thought. Everyone was pleased to see that the vocalist was generous that day. Except for Hyungwon. He barely ate anything, and it didn't go unseen by Kihyun who was a bit hurt by that, but he didn't comment. The rest of the afternoon passed slowly. Everyone was more or less calm, to Kihyun’s delight. While doing the housework, the vocalist looked over his shoulder at Hyungwon, who was reading peacefully on the sofa. Kihyun smiled before going back to his task. The members decided to go out that night, leaving Hyungwon and Kihyun alone. Both had greeted them at the entrance, still a bit confused as to why they had all decided to leave.

« Hyungwo- »

« Don’t try to understand, Kihyun. It’s fine. »

Hyungwon interrupted him. He was about to leave when Kihyun grabbed his arm and made him turn until they were face to face.

« Don’t interrupt me. I’m just trying to understand what’s wrong, and you’re clearly not helping by keeping quiet. » Kihyun affirmed.

The tallest one glared at him, which surprised Kihyun. He clearly wasn’t used to Hyungwon giving him such a bad look, and it was kind of disturbing.

« And how do you plan you making things better when basically nobody can? Stop acting like you know everything Kihyun because you don’t. You’re not a hero. You're too narcissistic for your own good. »

Hyungwon broke free from the smaller one’s grip and went to his room. Kihyun understood that the conversation was over. He sighed and went to his own room, not bothering to cook as he already got to eat a full shit ton of bad comment about himself. He had to admit that _it fucking hurts to hear that_. He lay down on his bed. He felt tears starting to form in the corner of his eyes, but brushed it off and tried to sleep.

He didn’t hear the members coming back that night. He didn’t hear them asking where was Kihyun. He didn’t even hear his phone buzzing because he got messages. He didn’t notice Hoseok coming to their room, asking if he was alright.

He didn’t wake up when Hyungwon had another crisis that night until someone pulled him out of sleep, he didn’t remember who it was. He hurried in the other room to find Hyungwon in a disastrous state. Other nights were still fine to handle, but this time, he was screaming. Pure screams of terrors and it was so disturbing and terrifying that they all looked like they were on the verge of having a crisis as well. Hyungwon was lying on the floor, shaking. Kihyun hasted to help the younger one. However, he got violently rejected, under the accusing gaze of Minhyuk. The vocalist felt completely lost and started shaking as well. Hyunwoo tried to comfort Hyungwon while Jooheon took care of bringing Kihyun out of the room. The suffocated cries of the suffering boy broke Kihyun's heart, who was powerless in this situation. Jooheon seemed to perceive the distress in the older’s eyes and tried to soothe him down.

« It’s alright hyung… He’s going to be fine. He probably didn’t realize he pushed you, okay? Don’t worry. »

This time again, no one really had the opportunity to sleep. Hyunwoo had Hyungwon sleep in the living room so that everyone could stay with him. Kihyun had prepared his medicine that he would have to take the next day and ended up falling asleep on a chair in the kitchen.

 

Maybe Kihyun was really too tired to get up early as usual, and maybe he was surprised to see, when he woke up, that he was covered with post-it left by the members. They had apparently decided to go out and give the opportunity to Kihyun and Hyungwon to talk to each other. Kihyun sighted while reading the post-its filled with emojis and _“lmao good luck”_. When he looked up, he got startled at the sight of a perfectly awake Hyungwon (?) right in front of him. Welp, that was embarrassing. He rubbed his eyes slowly, trying to collect himself.

« Oh… Hey Hyungwon… You've already eaten? I can cook something for you if you want. », Kihyun tried while standing up, but a drop of tension made him sit down again quickly.

« I’m sorry. For acting like a jerk, I mean..»

Before Kihyun could protest, Hyungwon gestured him to wait for him to finish what he was saying. He then gently took the smaller’s hands.

« I said horrible things, honestly. I don’t even think what I told you, which makes it even worse. Even when Hoseok wasn’t feeling well, I kind of said things supposing that you were at fault, but you were not, and you’ll never be. I fucked up really bad, I know. I’ve been having those crises in the past, and I thought that it would stay in the past, but I was wrong and I didn’t know how to deal with it. »

Kihyun closely listened to him. Hyungwon spared a glance in his direction before continuing.

« ...I’m sorry, Kihyun. I’m truly sorry, you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. I should have been nicer. Please, forgive me? »

How could you say no to these puppy eyes? Kihyun stood up and hugged Hyungwon. They stood there in silence for a minute before Kihyun started speaking.

« It’s fine, Hyungwon. I’m sorry, I’m really not pleased with what’s happening to you, and I’ll do my best to help, alright? » Kihyun smiled and he swore he caught a glimpse of relief in the younger’s eyes. Hyungwon hastily nodded and grins.

« Okay! Now that we’re both awake, wait for me to make breakfast. And don’t leave this table until you eat it all! »

Hyungwon chuckled a little as the older started nagging. He really sounded like a mother. Kihyun hurried to prepare something, forgetting that he himself didn’t eat the day before. As he put the plate in front of Hyungwon, he suddenly met the younger’s eyes.

« You...won’t eat? »

« What about you? You won’t eat? » Hyungwon repeated as he started chewing on whatever he was eating, that whatever was really good by the way.

« It’s cool. I just woke up, I’m not really hungry anyway. I’ll prepare something if I feel hungry later. », Kihyun said and shrugged.

 

They spent the afternoon watching movies, the last being a horror movie. If Kihyun had to be honest, he kind of disliked horror movies, seeing how dumb are the people in there. Why would you go where there’s noise if you want to stay alive?

« Kihyun. »

« Hm. »

« Sleep with me tonight. »

Kihyun slowly turned his head towards Hyungwon, who was starting to blush slightly. _Okay, that was some new request._ Not that he never slept with the members, but it has been a long time since then.

« Is the movie that scary? We can watch another one if you want to. », Kihyun chuckled a little.

« Kihyun, please, it’s not about the movie. I just feel like I would be able to sleep well if you stay with me.. Listen, this is embarrassing enough for me to say it once, so please? Just this one time? »

« Sure, I will. It’s alright, that’s not embarrassing, I said I want to help you. We’ve been living together long enough for that Hyungwon. », Kihyun told him while patting his head.

 

Before going to sleep, he noticed his phone buzzing on his bed. He ran through all the messages he got from the previous day and saw a message from Hoseok.

* * *

 

**Hoseok-hyung**

_We’re going to eat outside tonight!! Sorry for not bringing you two, but we thought you could use that time to make up. Goodnight! ^-^_

 

**Kihyunnie~~**

_Right. Thanks, hyung._

_Don’t stay out for too long. Goodnight._

Kihyun sighted before turning off his phone.

* * *

 

They decided that Hyungwon would sleep against the wall, which would prevent him from falling if he ever had a panic attack. It was less embarrassing than you might think, they were a family after all.

Hyungwon turned around to face Kihyun and told him quietly “Thank you”. That was a simple sentence, but it meant a lot for Kihyun. He could feel the sincerity of the younger, and it made him smile a little. He tugged at the taller’s cheeks, feeling that there was not a lot of grease in there, but it would get better, eventually. He hoped.

Kihyun took a while to fall asleep. He was scared about Hyungwon, obviously, but also perplexed regarding those weird dreams he’s been having for a while. It started with Hoseok at first, then with Hyungwon. He couldn’t really understand what it was all about, and why his friends were suddenly all hurt and sick. _Their comeback probably makes him have those dreams, lack of sleep and all_ , he thought. Too much pressure and stress about being handsome enough, healthy enough, joyful enough, adding practices that would last for more than half a day and little food. Kihyun sighted and allowed himself to let the sudden rain lull him to sleep. Everything was going to be fine.

When he woke up the next morning, his first reflex was to check on his left, and saw Hyungwon who seemed to sleep peacefully. He smiled a little and brushed Hyungwon’s hair out of his eyes gently, as not to wake up the younger. He himself ended up closing his eyes. Extra sleep won’t hurt anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY FOR MAKING HYUNGWON ACTS LIKE A really mean boy. But it had to be done for the sake of the story.  
> I updated it because I felt motivated to do so, even though it took me like 6 HOURS TO make sure everything was fine.  
> Again, I apologize for any mistake i could make, since english is not my first language.  
> I'd be glad to have feedbacks, so please feel free to comment a lot!! I'd love to communicate with you all~  
> Thank you for reading!!


	6. Chapter 6

THIS IS NOT A NEW CHAPTER.

Ah, I know that some people are waiting for the next chapter so I feel like we should talk about it.   
Honestly, I lost motivation. I don't feel like updating this story because I just can't put my thoughts into words. I always tries to make longer chapters so that you would have something to read, but now, I just don't know.  
I'm afraid I will never update this story, I will probably do it in a VERY long time because I have exams, I've been feeling down and got some health issues. I'm also not that much into kpop anymore... I'm truly sorry for not being able to update faster. Thanks to everyone who read this story and is still waiting for the next chapter. I'll eventually think about updating when I'm done with exams.   
I know you were expecting the new chapter, so I'm sorry for coming with such a poor apology.   
Thank you for supporting this story, stay hydrated and lots of love for you. ❤️


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